


The Heartbreak You Left

by misshudson3



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Tragedy, Best Friends, Broken Families, Christmas Fluff, Developing Friendships, Drug Abuse, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Healing, Heartbreak, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-20
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2020-07-09 17:29:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 18,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19891621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misshudson3/pseuds/misshudson3
Summary: A Trixya love story? MaybeHow can you forgive a person who breaks you without a second thought? Leaving you alone when they knew they were your world and happiness. How can you start over with them after they threw you away? This is a story of how.OrTrixie and Katya grew up together then grew apart. Trixie was busy falling in love while Katya was busy running away. Katya left to find her "home" when Trixie found hers as soon as Katya moved into the neighborhood. Six years has passed and Katya has found herself face to face with the person she left broken all those years ago. Can they reconnect? Can Katya learn to stop running? Will Trixie let her back in? And will the broken hearts be mended?





	1. "Remember?"

Trixie's POV  
The rain that poured hit hard against my car window. I laid in the backseat of my car and listened to the rain. It was 3am and I was just getting home. Home from a job that I didn't have to work but a job that I wanted to. It wasn't that I needed money because I didn't. My grandfather had left me more than enough money to have a good life, but responsibilities called me to postpone that good life. I let out a long sigh, grabbed my heels, and stepped out of my car. I didn't care if I got sick, the holiday season was quickly approaching, so I didn't have to work. I hated the holiday season, it was so pointlessly cheerful. Why be so happy about one day? A day that family you haven't seen in 364 days decide to pop up and bring gifts. A day that you have to cook a feast for that family. A day that you have to smile and laugh so you don't seem rude, and on December 26th, you are left to clean up the mess. No thank you, I don't want that headache. I focused on my steps so I wouldn't slide on the ice, I really hated winter. The steps leading to the door of my house were coated in a thin layer of ice. The cold steps sent a chill through my body. As I looked for my key, I saw that the door was already unlocked. I shook my head and walked into the house. The lights were on all around the house, the kettle on the stove whistled, and the TV was blaring in the family room. I walked into the kitchen and moved the kettle, turned off the stove and turned off the light. I went from room to room turning off lights. I walked up the stairs to the only room with the lights off and opened the door. "Ma, what is the point of having lights on in the house if you don't have them on in your room?"

"Huh? Who's there?" I turned on the light and smiled at my mother.

"It's me ma, Trixie." She slowly released the strong grip she had on the blanket.

"Oh dear, hello. How was school?"

"Ma, I haven't been in school for years. I'm 25, remember?" She looked down as though she was thinking. "Don't worry about it ma. Why are you still up?"

"Well, I was sleeping but then I woke up when I remembered I needed to wake Robert for work and you kids for school. I also have to pack the lunches and make coffee, oh and a bit of tea." I walked and sat next to my mother on her bed, I held her hand and smiled.

"Ma, remember Pearl, Max, and Farrah don't live here anymore? They all grew up and moved out. Pearl is 28, Max is 32, and Farrah is 20." She was quiet for a minute.

"Where is Robert?" I swallowed hard as she looked in my eyes. I looked at the clock and thought quickly. "Hey, don't you think it's time for bed? You've been up for a while." I helped her lay down as I pulled the covers over her. I turned on her lamp and stood up. As I walked towards the door, she called for me.

"Beatrice, love will you sleep with me? I am afraid to sleep on my own tonight." I nodded and walked over to the bed. I crawled under the covers and laid next my frail mother. I kissed her forehead as she drifted off to sleep.


	2. "She left six years ago.."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Um, ma that isn't a good idea."
> 
> "Well, why not dear? You and her are such good friends, you grew up together. Did you both get in another little fight like always? I told you two that it would be okay and that you both just need to sit down and talk. Now do I need to call Katya or can you?"

Trixie's POV  
I woke up three hours before my mother so I could get things done. I worked best when I was on my own. As I walked down the stairs, my dogs followed behind. Having two teacup poodles was a handful sometimes, not losing them in a house this big was a job. I opened the back door to let them out, I was so glad we had a fence. My mornings started off with a hot cup of tea paired with a bagel covered in strawberry creme cheese. I didn't mind living here at home again, I loved my mother but it got hard sometimes. She asks questions, questions that hurt to answer. That hurt in the worse way. As I waited for her eggs to cook, I scrolled through my phone. I had a few missed calls from my siblings. I hated that they acted like they cared. If they really cared they would come see her, not just call when they felt like it. I hope they didn't think that one call maybe once a week made a difference, because it didn't. I put my phone down and put my hair in a ponytail. I finished making my mother breakfast and took it up to her. "Ma, are you up yet?" I slowly opened the door to see my mom seeing at her vanity. "Good to see you're up. I made you eggs and bacon with coffee. You should come eat before it gets cold ma." She smiled weakly at me and turned around to face me.

"Come here Beatrice dear. I want to brush your hair." I put the tray of food on the bedside table and walked to my mother. I sat at her feet as she pulled my hair down. She chuckled softly as she started to run the brush through my hair. "My blonde beauty isn't blonde anymore huh? Pink was always your color."

"Ma, my hair has been pink for a while now."

"I know dear, I just wanted to point it out. Have you heard from your brother or sisters lately?"

"They called but I wasn't near my phone so I couldn't answer." She hummed a response and stopped brushing. She put her chin on my head. "What is it ma?"

"Nothing dear. I am just happy I have a daughter like you." She kissed the top of my head as she spoke. I turned to face her and grabbed her hand.

"And I am happy to have a mom like you. Now eat your food before it gets too cold. Oh and don't forget to take your meds." She didn't say anything, just smiled and got up to eat. I walked out of her room to my own. After I closed the door, I fell to the ground. It was so hard, she remembered some days but it only made the days were she forgot everything so much worse. I cried for a few minutes until my heart calmed down. I picked myself off of the ground and walked into the hall. I decided to check on my mother. As I opened her door, I saw that she was asleep. I walked in and took the tray of half eaten food downstairs. I had a little bit of time for myself today. I cleaned up the house two days ago so I could rest now. Television and snacks sounded like a good way to spend the day. I sat down on the sofa and started to watch movies until the sun was fully in the sky.

"Beatrice, dear?" I turned around to see my mom standing at the bottom of the stairs.

"Is everything okay mom?"

"Yes, yes. I was just wondering why you are here and not out with friends." There was a look of concern and sadness on her face. If only she knew I barely had any friends now. I cut almost all of them off years ago when I first went into a state of depression.

"I didn't want to do anything today ma. I wanted to stay home with you silly." She walked over to me and touched my head.

"Aren't you just so sweet. I was thinking that I could make dinner and you could invite that blond over from next door." There was a lump in my throat at who she mentioned.

"Um, ma that isn't a good idea."

"Well, why not dear? You and her are such good friends, you grew up together. Did you both get in another little fight like always? I told you two that it would be okay and that you both just need to sit down and talk. Now do I need to call Katya or can you?" I was silent as my body burned. That name burned me like no other.

"Ma, Katya's gone."

"What do you mean dear?"

"Mom, she left remember? For Russia."

"Oh well when is she coming back?"

"She's not mom. She told me she never would." Hot tears began to burn my eyes and spill down my face.

"Oh don't be silly sweetheart. She will be back."

"Mom, no she won't. She left six years ago, she isn't coming back. Now please let it go." There was silence as my mother walked to me and sat beside me. She pulled me into her arms and comforted me for what felt like the hundredth time over my best friend leaving me alone.


	3. "But Kat, tomorrow is Christmas..."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Hello Trixie, this is my daughter Katya, she hates her name too. I like your pretty pink dress."
> 
> "Thank you Miss."
> 
> "Would you like to come in and play with Katya? I'm sure she will be nice." She looked at Katya who was still pouting. "Won't you Katya?" Katya nodded slowly. "Good, now take Trixie to your playroom. I'm sure she would love to see your Russian dolls." Katya smiled and grabbed my hand. She pulled me up the stairs as she talked. She talked so fast I didn't see how her mouth and brain could stayed connected.

Trixie's POV  
It was now 12am, and my mom was sleeping in her bed. My mom held me for hours in silence, no talking. She sat there holding me and rubbing my head, just like she did the first time I cried over Katya. It wasn't her fault she forgot that Katya left that day. I would want to forget too if I could. The wound was just as fresh as when it was inflicted on that cold day in December. 

December 24th was always the day Katya and I went shopping together. We loved the rush of last minute shopping for each other. It started one Christmas eve when Katya forgot to get me a gift, she felt so bad. So we started the tradition of last minute shopping, I thought of it so she wouldn't beat herself up for the rest of her life. As I waited for Katya to get meet me outside, I sat on the icy steps. My pink boots kicking at the snow and my heart beating out of my chest. I had known Katya ever since I was 8, she moved from Russia with her parents to start over. She was the only 10 year old I knew with perfect white teeth. I remember walking over to her house with my mom. I remember the smell of the apple pie my mom baked for the new neighbors and how I begged her all day for a piece. I also remember the disappointment at hearing her tell me no. My mom knocked on the door and we waited for someone to answer. As the door opened, a little girl with ponytails stood before us. "Mommy, It's a pretty lady and a little girl!" A woman walked out of the kitchen and stood at the door behind the little girl. 

"Yekaterina, what have I told you about yelling?" The little girl crossed her arms and looked down. 

"Not to, because it will wake the baby." I giggled to myself as she kicked at the welcome mat. The older woman looked at my mother and I. 

"Hello, how may I help you?"

"Hi, I am Mrs. Mattel and this is my daughter Beatrice. We live next door and well I wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood with a pie and a 'hello'. Isn't that right Beatrice?" I nodded my head shyly as I hid behind my mom. 

"Well that is sweet. I am Mrs. Zamolodchikova and this is my daughter Yekaterina. But you can call me Pat and her Katya." 

"It is nice to meet you both. You can call me Val and she goes by Trixie. She hates the name Beatrice." Katya's mom kneeled down and looked at me. 

"Hello Trixie, this is my daughter Katya, she hates her name too. I like your pretty pink dress." 

"Thank you Miss." 

"Would you like to come in and play with Katya? I'm sure she will be nice." She looked at Katya who was still pouting. "Won't you Katya?" Katya nodded slowly. "Good, now take Trixie to your playroom. I'm sure she would love to see your Russian dolls." Katya smiled and grabbed my hand. She pulled me up the stairs as she talked. She talked so fast I didn't see how her mouth and brain could stayed connected.

"So your name is Beatrice? That is a pretty name, why don't you like it? I like it, I like it a lot. I have a lot of dolls. My grammy got them for me, they are from Russian. You don't talk a lot do you?" She pulled me from room to room looking for her boxes of dolls. She poked her head out of the room that we were in and yelled for her mom. "Mommy, I don't see my dolls." 

"Yekaterina, dear they are in the last room to the right. Your father told you where they were before he left. You were probably too busy running around to listen." She ran to the room and pulled me with her.

"Ha, they are in here. Come one let's play!" Katya and I played for hours and hours. We talked and talked and decided we would be friends forever. I left that afternoon and the very next day Katya knocked on our door at 9am. My mom invited her in and we played for hours just as the day before. Play dates became a daily thing until we were joined at the hip. 

As we grew up, my feelings for Katya grew. I was 15 when I came out as bisexual and Katya was 16 when she came out as lesbian. The year I turned 19, on the following December 24th after my birthday, she left. We planned to go shopping and have a blast but instead my heart was left broken. Katya and I walked through the mall, eating ice cream. She had been off all day, not cracking jokes or laughing like she usually would. When we got home, she finally spoke up. 

"Trixie, I'm leaving tomorrow. I am going home to Russia to find where I belong and who I am. I am sorry." 

"But Kat, tomorrow is Christmas." 

"Yeah but I want to go now, I have been thinking about it for a while." I was quiet but smiled weakly. She pulled me into a hug and kissed my head. I planned on telling her how I felt that day but instead all I told her was 'goodbye'. I refused to see her on Christmas. I stayed in my bed the whole day and slept. She left my gift and a note with my mom. I put the note and the gift in a box in my closet. But that was years ago, I was 25 now and I needed to get over it. 

I walked outside to take the dogs out one last time. I looked over to Katya's old house and saw a strange car parked in the driveway. It was odd because her dad and step mother moved to Florida in January. I didn't think they would ever sell the house. Just as I was walking back to the front of my house, I saw who the car belonged to. Standing on the other side of the fence was that blond blue eyed girl who broke my heart six years ago. She stared at me as I stared back at her.

"Trixie..I"

"Katya, you're back."


	4. "You just want to find love"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I loved it Trix. Just like I love you." Trixie chuckled and hugged me back.
> 
> "I love you too Kat."

Katya's POV  
Before me stood the reason I stayed away for so long. Trixie Mattel, the girl who stole my heart from the moment I saw her. Her long hair was no longer blonde but a shade of pretty pink. She stood looking at me with hurt written all on her face. "Yeah, I came back. I was kinda tired of Russian you know? Homesick?"

"Hmm, couldn't have been that homesick. Haven't seen or heard from you in six years Yekaterina." Okay well maybe I deserved that.

"Yeah, um how have you been?" She put her hand up.

"Don't Yekaterina, don't. You didn't care enough about me to pick up the phone to call or text me. You blocked me on everything so you don't get ask me that. You can take that and shove it up your Russian ass." Trixie turned on her heels, picked up her dogs and walked in her house.

"I missed you too. Damn it Yekaterina, fucked up good this time." I grabbed the rest of my stuff and walked in my family house. It was just the same as when I left. The paintings and pieces brought here from Russia had more meaning now that I spent time learning more of my culture. But shit, was knowing more worth my friendship with Trixie? When I was 21, I didn't think about her feelings or the longterm effects of me leaving. When I got to Russia, I was alive, met a girl named Violet and fell love. Well I thought I did, but soon I saw that I was just trying to distract myself from Trixie. I blocked her after five months of being in Russia without even telling her why or at least coming up with a bullshit reason. She didn't deserve that at all but I was so worried about hurting her that I did that anyway.

I walked up the stairs to my mother's room, it was silent. When she died nine years ago, this room was never the same. The house was never the same, my life was never the same. My dad had left two years before my mother died, for some American assistant. Even though he left, my mother continued on. She showed me that just because a person breaks your heart, you can still love. She was such a strong woman and I still love her to this day. I wandered around the house and went to my old room. It was still that shade of red that Trixie helped me pick out when I was 14. Our handprints in red paint, were still on the door, her hand smaller than mine. When I looked around my room, it was full of Trixie and my life growing up with her. The late nights when we cried, laughed and even argued. She stormed out of my room so much and now looking back at it, I wish I was better at going after her. I was always trying to protect her from myself that it caused so many fights. As I grew up I saw myself as this horrible person, I had it burned into my mind that my dad left because I was gay. I never told anyone but I lived with that thought well past my teenage years.

After unpacking everything and putting things in their proper places, it was 5am. I sat in my room and looked out the window, my window looked into Trixie's. When I turned 12, I begged my parents to let me change rooms so that Trixie and I could commutate at night. We even sometimes fell asleep at the window. When Trixie got sick with the chicken pots, I couldn't see her. So we put blankets and pillows on the window so we could sleep there. Trixie was my world, my best friend and I fucked it all up. As I sat by the window, Trixie's light came on. It was 5:30am, she wasn't a morning person. Why in the hell was she up now? I know a lot of things can change in six years but that hadn't changed even when we went to school together and had to be up at 6am to get ready. I brought my knees to my chest as I looked at my former best friend sit on her bed with her guitar, the one her and I picked out when her grandfather took us to the music shop down the road. He told us both we could get an instrument, Trixie and I laughed. We both knew I didn't have one musical bone in my body, so I decided that she could get an instrument and play for me when I wanted her to. When I heard her play for the first time, my heart melted. She would say it needed work but I thought it was the most beautiful thing ever and I still do. I wish I could hear her play now. If I was going to be back here in this town, I needed her back. I don't know how I was going to achieve this but I needed to.

Somehow I fell asleep watching Trixie play. Even though I couldn't hear her voice or the calming sound of the strings, I remembered her voice from my 17th birthday. My girlfriend at the time broke up with me on that day, on my parents' doorstep. My parents had planned a huge birthday party for me. I walked in the house, eyes puffy from crying, heart broken from a girl who was using me. Trixie was the first person to see me. She didn't say a word, just walked to me, took my hand and led me to my room. Trixie laid next to me and stayed with me until my breathing was calm. When I had fallen asleep, Trixie went downstairs apologized to everyone and explained that I wasn't feeling well. After she was done, she came back upstairs and woke me up after an hour. "Trix, you're still here?"

"Of course I am silly, you are my best friend. And this is your birthday party." She smiled at me and I knew I could look at that smile forever.

"Trix, I ruined the party by being a dumb lesbian who fell in love with the wrong girl." Trixie put her hand over my mouth.

"You are not dumb Yekaterina Zamolodchikova, you just want to find love. Just like the rest of us weirdos in the world. And also, you didn't ruin shit ma'am. We can have our own party in here. Your parents left for the night and they said we can eat the party food." I nodded my head as Trixie brought food up to my room. We sat on the bed for hours watching movies and eating the ice cream cake my mother made. After the cake was gone and the movies were over, Trixie pulled her white guitar out of it's case.

"What's that for?"

"Your birthday song, duh. Did you really think I wasn't gonna sing to you?" I shrugged my shoulders as I put a chip in my mouth. Trixie shook her head and smiled as she began to sing and play. "Happy birthday to you, my dearest friend. My bestest friend to the very end. Come rain or snow, I'll never let you go. We'll walk together through stormy weather, I'll hold your hand till the very end," as the words left Trixie's mouth, they found their way to my heart. As she strummed the last few chords, she looked me in my eyes. Her brown doe eyes searching my ocean blue eyes. "So, what'd you think? I've been working on it and I was hoping you like it. If you don't that's okay, you can tell me." I wrapped my arms around Trixie, crying.

"I loved it Trix. Just like I love you." Trixie chuckled and hugged me back.

"I love you too Kat."

My heart hurt as I snapped from my thoughts. I looked out of the window and saw that Trixie was no where to be seen. Trixie never did let go of my hand or me. I was the one who pulled away from her. I was the one who left my friend.


	5. "Hey mom, who are you talking to?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Beatrice, sweetie, whose car is that in the Zamolodchikova driveway? Did Mr. Zamolodchikova finally come back home?"
> 
> "No ma, don't worry that person isn't important okay?" I walked to my mother and kissed her head. My mother seemed content so I decided to leave.

Trixie's POV  
Have you ever seen a ghost? Not like a peaceful ghost but a ghost that was like a serial killer and they were stopped before they could fully finish their killing spree? So that ghost still has the urge to kill, even in death? That is what I saw yesterday in that front yard. Katya, is that ghost. She took a knife to a piece of me years ago and she didn't finish the job so that's why she's back. When I woke up I saw that Katya's light was on, she was always a morning person. It was fucking ridiculous how she could get up at 4am or 4:30 and be good for the rest of the day. I sat on my bed and played a little music to start my day off, it was the only time that I could get in a little me time. Music was always a safe place for me, no matter what was going on in the world around me. I didn't look in Katya's direction the whole time I was playing, but when it hit 6:30, I finally looked over. She was sleeping with her head against the glass and a blanket wrapped around her. I refused to let my heart open up for her again no matter how much it wanted to. I turned my back to her just like she did to me.

After making my mother breakfast and getting her the book she wanted, I decided to take the dogs for a walk. I put the dogs on their leashes and walked to the door. "Hey ma, I'm leaving for a walk. I won't be gone long. My number is beside your tea if you need me, call."

"Okay dear, have fun." Just as I was reaching for the doorknob my mom called my name. "Beatrice, sweetie, whose car is that in the Zamolodchikova driveway? Did Mr. Zamolodchikova finally come back home?"

"No ma, don't worry that person isn't important okay?" I walked to my mother and kissed her head. My mother seemed content so I decided to leave. The sun's rays felt amazing against my skin, the warmth was welcomed. I looked down at my dogs, and they seemed just as excited as I was. As we started our walk to the park, my mind began to do what it does best: over think. My dogs barked at me to pick up the pace, my feet began to increase speed just like my brain. "I wonder why she is back? Did she miss home or her family? Was she planning on staying for good or was she gonna up and leave again? I have so many questions but I know they will never get answered. Just like the ones I've had for the past six years now. She just popped up, out of freaking no where. Ugh I hate her. Don't I? I mean yeah, yeah I do hate her. I hate her so much, but I would be lying if I said she wasn't still the most beautiful girl to cross my path." I slowed down to a stop as my brain lingered on that thought. "She is so beautiful, and I hate it. Maybe if she wasn't so beautiful I could get her off my mind." I groaned loud enough for an elderly woman to look at me. "I need to start dating." My dog, Max, looked up at me followed by Sasha's gaze. "Don't look at me like that okay? I need to do something." I could feel their judgement. "Ugh, come on." We resumed our run through the park and my mind was at peace.

I felt better as my dogs and I walked home. My mind was at ease for now, and that was better than nothing. As I walked into the fence that surrounded my house, I didn't look at Katya's house at all. I was proud of myself. I walked up the steps to the front door and opened it, I could hear my mother talking to someone. "Hey, mom who are you talking to?" Instead of my mother answering my question, the golden blonde wavy hair of the woman sitting with her back to me was an answer on its own "Katya."


	6. "She has been feeling down lately."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "No thanks. I have to take a shower, I smell like dog." Trixie looked at me and I just knew she wanted to use a different word. She walked up the stairs and after a few seconds I heard a door slam.

Katya's POV  
"Hello again Trixie." I wanted to die, like right now. No, I needed to die. Trixie's cheeks were a shade of red that showed nothing less of pure hate and anger. She turned to her mother and said nothing to me.  
  
"Ma, what is she doing here?"

"Oh Beatrice, I told you she was going to come back." Mrs. Mattel turned to face me. "My dear Trixie here said that you were never coming back but I just knew you would Katya." Mrs. Mattel grabbed my hands and looked in my eyes. "I knew you would. Trixie come have tea with us."

"No thanks. I have to take a shower, I smell like dog." Trixie looked at me and I just knew she wanted to use a different word. She walked up the stairs and after a few seconds I heard a door slam.

"I am sorry about that Katya. She has been feeling down lately." Trixie's mother let go of my hands and sat back in her chair.

"It is no problem, I understand." Mrs. Mattel and I talked about my trip to Russia and the things I learned. We also talked about the people I met, I avoided talking about my ex girlfriend back in Russia all together. I heard the water stop upstairs, Trixie must be done with her shower.

"All of that sounds so exciting Katya. Your mother must be so proud." I stopped drinking my tea and looked at Mrs. Mattel. _My mother_? She knew my mother was dead, she was at the funeral. She was my mother's best friend, was she joking? Was she trying to make me feel like shit for leaving her daughter the way I did?

"Ma, _'I_ _Love Lucy'_ is on. It is part two to last week's episode." Trixie was standing behind me. Her long pink hair wet but still gorgeous. It surrounded her face like a pink halo. She walked to her mother and helped her up the stairs. I took the cups, plates, and tea kettle into the kitchen and washed them. "She has Alzheimer's disease." I turned around to face Trixie. "So when she asked you about your mother, it was an actual question. Some days she remembers and then some she forgets completely. One day, I'm going to wake up and go to check on her and I will be nothing but a stranger to her. The worse days are when she remembers some and then forgets the other half. She wakes up sometimes and thinks that my dad is still alive or that we are still kids and she has to make us lunch. She asks about your mother and I have to explain that she is gone, she cries and she hurts. But I know a few days later, I will have to tell her again. She asked about you, the other day. She does that a lot and it leaves me crying just like it did the first time."

"How do you live with it?" Trixie looked at me with teary eyes.

"I stopped living a while ago Katya, I'm just existing. That's what life is now, me just trying to make it through long enough to take care of her because no one else will. After you left, two years later I moved with the money left to me when my grandfather died. I moved to New York for beauty school, but I had to drop out to come take care of her. I am basically alone here. I have been ever since that day because I shut everyone out." Trixie was full on crying now, her breathing was becoming harsh from crying, while her fists were tighten at her sides. "I just want to know why Katya. Why did you stop talking to me, you blocked me on everything. I had to find out you were engaged from a friend we both had in high school! I couldn't even say congratulations, you didn't give me that chance. I was your fucking best friend Kat! You were the person who held my hand at my dad's and grandfather's funeral. I held yours when your mother died and when your father left I was the one that was there. When every dumb bitch broke your heart, I was the one to hold you because you felt ashamed to talk to anyone else. I put my life on hold and my problems aside for you so many times! But you dropped me as soon as a new girl walked into your life." Trixie's yelling grew silent as she just let her tears hit the floor. I searched my heart for what to say and how to say it.

"I blocked you, because I knew that I was in love with you Trixie." Trixie's eyes met mine once again. They were red from her crying over me _again_. "I met this girl and whenever you and I would video call or text, I was happier talking to you than I ever was spending time with her. I thought that maybe if you were out of the picture, I could move on. It was shitty I know, but I didn't know what else to do. I knew you'd never love me back like I loved you so I didn't want to even chance it. I am sorry Trix, I know me saying that don't mean shit but I am sorry. I know it is six years overdo." My eyes started to burn with tears as I looked at Trixie. She was quiet and still.

"Why didn't you tell me? I would have understood, like I understood every stupid choice you made. Was I not good enough to at least be left on read, huh? I had to be completely thrown out of your life? Because you were never thrown out of mine, no matter how hard I tried and wanted you to be. That damn gift and note is still in the back of my fucking closet. It hurts Katya because I have been in love with you since I was 14 and you never gave me a fucking chance. I was safe with you, my heart was safe with you," Trixie was crying her eyes out again but they were silent tears, I could only think to do one thing. I ran to her and wrapped my arms around her, holding her tight even when she tried to pull away. I held her even tighter when she told me to let her go. I rubbed her head and back as she cried into my chest. I mumbled ' _sorry_ ' and _'I am an idiot'_ to her through her tears and even my own. After her crying stopped and her breathing was even, I heard her say something. So I looked down at her.

"What was that Trix?" She looked up at me with her big brown eyes, the hurt still glaced over them.

"I said, I hope she was worth it Katya," Trixie pulled away from me and walked up the stairs without another word, leaving me in the middle of the kitchen with a broken heart. Just like I left her in the middle of an icy driveway on Christmas eve.


	7. "Listen is it a yes or no?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Yeah." No no I'm not at okay at all, is what I wanted to say but I couldn't. "Um, would you want to I don't know maybe hang out tomorrow?" Katya looked at me with confusion painted all over her face.

Trixie's POV  
I walked to my mother's room and knocked on her door. "Come in Trixie." I walked in to see my mother looking out the window facing Katya's house. "Beatrice, having a best friend is a wonderful thing you know. Pat was that for me. She was the rock that I needed when your father died. All the emotions were like crashing waves. Remember when we used to go to the beach when you kids were younger and how the waves pulled you under when you went out to far, and your dad saved you? That is what it is like Trixie, that is what life is like. Life throws you into the sea of emotions and sometimes you just can't save yourself." My mother turned to face me, walked to me, and grabbed my hands. "Trixie, I won't be around for long, we both know that. The doctors have said that, and when I'm gone I don't want you alone. I would be rolling over in my grave. Trixie, I know it hurts when a person leaves, but it hurts worse to throw away everything you and that person had. When your father died, I had Pat. But when Pat died, I had no one. You have shut yourself off from everyone so when I die, Trixie you won't have anyone." My mother held my hands tighter as she cried and I cried with her.

"I never knew mom, I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, Bea. I know it can be hard to open up after you've been protecting yourself. But sometimes maybe, just maybe we protect ourselves from those who can help us. Yes, she caused damage, but she is also the only person who can 100% repair that damage. We can't fill holes left by a certain person with things or somebody else, because that spot fits them. It was shaped and molded just to fit them. Let her fill the hole Trixie, she wants to."

"I will try ma, I can't promise but I will try." My mother's laugh filled my ears as she smiled.

"That is all that I'm asking. That is how something great starts, by trying. Now, I think it is time I went to bed huh?" I nodded as my mom kissed my head and laid in bed.

"Goodnight mom."

"Goodnight dear. And Trixie, honey?"

"Yes, mom?"

"If I don't remember this conversion tomorrow, I want you to. Okay?"

"I will mom, just like I remember everything else about us." My mother smiled and closed her eyes. After closing her door, I went to my room and changed into something for bed. I would try, that's all I could manage to put my heart through. Trying.

It was 2am and I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned in my bed for hours. I had tried everything, white noise, water falls, ocean sounds, even hot milk. Nothing was working so I finally gave up. On nights like these, I wrote songs and played music. I stood up and walked to my desk that sat in front of my window. As I looked out the window, I saw that Katya's light was still on. "Of course. Demons don't sleep." I sat thinking for a minute and finally made a decision. I walked to my closet and changed into shorts and a crop top. I quietly made my way down the stairs and out the door. I walked to Katya's front door and held my breathe as I knocked. I waited for a bit and just as I was ready to walk away, the door opened.

"Trixie, um hi? Are you okay?""

Yeah." No no I'm not at okay at all, is what I wanted to say but I couldn't. "Um, would you want to I don't know maybe hang out tomorrow?" Katya looked at me with confusion painted all over her face.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes Katya, I'm okay. Listen is it a yes or no?"

"Uh sure. But you couldn't wait until tomorrow to ask me?" I played with the hem of my shorts as I looked down.

"I couldn't sleep." Katya was silent as she looked at me.

"Come in, I will make you some tea." I looked unsure and wanted to decline but couldn't because Katya pulled me by my hand inside.


	8. "I was dumb enough to believe her."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Kat, I want to hear about those six years and what happen." I nodded my head as we walked to the sofa.

Katya's POV  
"This house hasn't changed at all." Trixie looked around my family house as we waited for the water to get hot.

"Yeah, after mom died I think dad just wanted to keep it all her."

"Why?"

"He felt like shit, that's why. He gave me the house because he couldn't bare living here after he left for some whore." Trixie hummed as she looked up the stairs. "What is it?"

"Nothing. Um so what should we do tomorrow?"

"I dunno. You know I suck at making decisions about stuff." She nodded her head as she sat across from me. "You are being extra quiet. What is it?"

"Just memoirs Katya, ones that I don't know how to handle."

"You know, you don't have to be here right? If it's too much for you. I would hate to put you through more shit."

"Yeah, I know. But my mom wants me to give it a chance. I could spend my whole life being mad at you and hate you but that wouldn't do any good. If tomorrow doesn't go smoothly or if it doesn't feel right, I can hate you all I want."

"I guess that works." The tea kettle whistled loudly from the kitchen, stopping the conversion. I walked into the kitchen to make Trixie and I a cup of tea. "Why am I agreeing to this? Ugh." After making the tea, I walked back into the sitting room. Trixie was standing with her back to me. She was looking at the pictures of her and I when we were younger. The picture she was holding was the day both of us graduated high school, she was really fucking smart so she was able skip a grade. Both sets of parents were proud of her. I was proud of her. That picture was always my favorite. In the picture she was kissing my cheek. "That damn pink lipstick stained my face for a week, you know? Here's your tea."

"Thanks. I can't believe they kept all of them."

"Yeah, our whole lives captured in photos."

"My mother has a room just for our friendship. She said it was beautiful, two girls who became best friends from day one and stayed that way for over ten years." Trixie turned her back to the pictures on display.

"Trixie, I'm sorry. I know I said it yesterday, but that's because I mean it."

"Kat, I want to hear about those six years and what happen." I nodded my head as we walked to the sofa.

"Well when I got there I met this girl. She was the daughter of my landlord. We seemed to hit it off, laughs and shit. Of course we had to keep it on the low. Her and I would spend hours together but as soon as you'd call me, I would turn all my attention to you. She hated that. It was okay for a few months, but she told me it was her or you. She gave me a week to decide. I really didn't want to let our friendship go, but in the back of my mind I had already told myself I would be replaced as your best friend. I told myself that you would find someone who didn't pick fights or make choices that caused messes. So I called her over and, she watched me block you on everything. Then two years later, her and I were engaged. We found someone who would marry us in secret, which seemed to be a good thing you know? But things slowly started to fall apart. Her dad had arranged for her to be married to some prick and she said she didn't want to. She painted the perfect picture Trixie. She came to my apartment crying about how she just didn't want to do it and how it wasn't what she wanted, and I was dumb enough to believe her." I wiped a tear from my eye and took a deep breath, looking into the hot cup of tea. "After she told me about the arranged marriage, we came up with a plan to get her out of it. She seemed happy with the idea we came up with. But a few weeks later I went to her place for our date night. When I got there I saw an unfamiliar car in the driveway, I opened the door with my key and when I walked in, I saw her playing tongue tag with the guy she was supposed to marry," I took another deep breath before continuing. Trixie put her hand on my leg as she looked at me. "I stood there, in shock. She tried to come after me but I got on my motorcycle and left. I went as far as I could handle. That night, I tried things that I shouldn't have. I made it back to my apartment the next morning and she was waiting for me. I called her a whore and told her to get the fuck out. I was able to stay in the apartment because she couldn't tell her dad she was bisexual so she had to act like it never happen."

"Katya, what did you mean you tried things you shouldn't have?"

"Drugs. Hard drugs. It put me at ease and I became dependent on them to relax." I cleared my throat waiting for Trixie to say something but she sat there, just listening. "Um, she got married four months later. After a whole two years of doing drugs, I started to try and get help. I did, and I was doing good. Then she popped up again. Turned out the guy she cheated on me with was a cheating and abusive asshole. She came over my apartment and cried on me. We ended up having sex, and in the morning when I woke up she was gone. That went on for a whole year, until I told her I couldn't do it anymore. She yelled, screamed, cried and finally left. Even though I was alone, I felt better than I had in my whole time being there. The last year was quiet. I focused on my art and not on people. When she popped up again, I didn't answer the door. When her husband came pounding on the door, screaming because he found everything out, I didn't answer the door. But that night I was sitting on my floor, ordering a plane ticket to come back home. The very next morning I woke up at 6am went to the bank, pulled out all my money, packed my shit and left. On the plane, I thought about those six years without you and the ten years that I spent with you by my side. I agree that I messed up, I don't expect us to go back to where we were but I want to at least be in your life." Trixie wiped a tear from my cheek and softly smiled.

"Thank you for telling me. That means a lot. But listen we can see what happens." I smiled at Trixie and decided that was enough sadness for one evening.

"Hey, want to watch a movie or something? Do you still like _Clueless_ and _Mean Girls_ or have you moved on from that girly teenage meaningless trash?"

"Hey! Watch your mouth! Nothing is wrong with those movies ma'am. That movie you like is trash. What was it called again? Associate or something like that?"

"The masterpiece is called ' _Contact_ ' thank you very much. And yes, I still love it."

"Katya, you have no taste."

"I take offense to that Barbie girl."

"That is Miss Barbie Girl to you. Address me right or not at all." Trixie crossed her arms and turned her head.

"Yeah yeah yeah. Anyway what are we doing to watch?"

"I don't know. How about a murder mystery?" I raised an eyebrow at Trixie and chuckled. "Don't look at me like that! I have to watch them because of ma."

"Okay heh, murder mystery it is." I searched the channels for the mystery movie channel, Trixie seemed happy with the movie that was on. As we watched the movie, Trixie moved closer to me and laid her head on my shoulder. I covered us up with a blanket and she linked her fingers with mine as we used each other's heat to beat the cold.


	9. "Kat, I think I want to be a nun."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You heard me, I'll marry you. You're my best friend and if having someone else's last name and a ring will make you happy then here I am. You can be Beatrice Elisabeth Marah Zamolodchikova."

Trixie's POV  
Katya and I had been watching movies for hours now. I left to check on my mom, she was still sleeping so I came back. When I got back, Katya pulled me to sit between her legs. Her toned thighs tighten around me when I tried to get up. "Sit your ass here."

"Katya, we are working on getting closer. Remember?"

"Well mama, it doesn't get any closer than this. Now does it?" I shook my head and finally gave in. After a few minutes, Katya wrapped her arms around me, causing me to lean back into her. She moved one of her hands and started to softly run her fingers through my hair. When she got to a knot, she softly pulled a little.

My mind started to drift to our younger days together. My favorite time of year was Fall. We would spend our time outside, under the apple tree on the hill behind our houses. Katya and I would race to see who could reach the tree first. I would win some and Katya would win some. It was neck and neck sometimes, head cheerleader vs. cross country star. Once we reached the tree, Katya would lay against the tree and I would lay with my head in her lap. We talked about nothing but everything at the same time. Katya would run her fingers through my hair as she talked about how America was killing itself, or the war on whatever was on her head at the time. She never could connect more than three thoughts which made for a very interesting conversion. When I was 15, I complained about how my boyfriend was an asshole, which triggered one of my favorite conversions.

"Kat, I think I'm gonna be a nun."

"Oh please Trix, your tits can't fit in a those clothes." Katya had her eyes closed as she leaned against the tree.

"I'm being serious Kat."

"Fine, why do you want to be a nun?" Katya looked down at me as she smiled.

"Because guys are assholes. Josh to be exact."

"Trixie stop being so damn dramatic. He is a 15 year old boy, what do you expect?"

"Whose side are you on woman?"

"Mine, my side. And why don't you try to date girls?"

"The girls at school are bitches so no thank you."

"You have some of the highest standards I've ever seen."

"No, it's just you have really low ones." Katya winked at me and blew a kiss. "Kat, we are different. I want to find that special someone and get married."

"Stop trying to find your soul mate Trixie. There is at least five people in this town for you, just takes time. And plus if getting married is so important to you, I'll marry you." I looked at Katya and sat up.

"You'll what?"

"You heard me, I'll marry you. You're my best friend and if having someone else's last name and a ring will make you happy then here I am. You can be Beatrice Elisabeth Marah Zamolodchikova."

"You, ma'am, are a madwoman." Katya smiled big at me.

"Well thank you my dear." She turned on old time jazz and jumped up. "The sun is setting and I believe I would like a dance." She held out her hand to me so I could take her hand. As soon as I took her hand, she pulled me up in one swift move. Katya placed her hands on my waist so I wrapped my arms around her neck. "You know, we may never get married but whoever you get married to, I'm stealing the first dance from them at the wedding." I put my head against her chest.

"I think I'm okay with that."

"Good."


	10. "You kept it?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Yeah, I'm sure you still have a lot to get off your chest. The least I could do is give you answers and listen to what you have to say." Trixie looked at me and sighed. 
> 
> "That will take a while. Six years worth of questions and heartbreak that I need to get off my chest Katya."

Katya's POV  
6:30am and Trixie was sleeping on me. We fell asleep on the sofa while watching senseless romance movies. When I wanted to change the channel, Trixie protested. I barely paid the movies any attention while on the other hand Trixie cried, laughed, and cursed at the television. She was such a romance driven girl, it was always her downfall in my opinion but in the end, it was me who made dumb mistakes for love, not her. As she slept on me, my heart felt like it was in my throat. She was so beautiful, always had been. She moved her head and a piece of her cotton candy floss hair fell into her face. I resisted the temptation to move it. Her nose wiggled as the hair tickled her face. I covered my mouth to stop my laughter from waking her up. "Stop moving jackass, I'm comfortable." I looked at Trixie and chuckled. 

"Well I didn't know I was supposed to be a bed for you." Trixie opened her eyes and looked up at me. My heart stopped as her brown eyes had me under their gaze. She sat up and stretched, her shirt rising up to reveal her stomach. I saw a piece of jewelry sticking out from her belly button. "Hey, what's that?"

"What's what?" I pointed at her stomach. "Hmm, nothing." I raised my eyebrow as I looked at Trixie. 

"Tell me." Trixie rolled her eyes at me. 

"Or what?" 

"Challenging me?" Trixie shrugged her shoulders. I got up from the sofa and pulled her to me and on my lap as I sat back on the sofa. I pulled her shirt up a little to see her belly button. The charm was from a necklace I had gotten her for her 15 birthday. I looked at Trixie as she blushed. "You kept it?" Trixie scoffed as she moved my hand and sat up. 

"Yeah, so?" 

"Why?"

"Because Katya, you were my best friend. It broke a few weeks after you left and well I had gotten so used to wearing it that I just kept it. When I got my belly button pierced, I had it made into a charm and I wear it that way." I smiled at Trixie and laughed. "What is it?" 

"You're cute." Trixie pushed me and rolled her eyes. 

"You are such a weirdo Katya." 

"Yeah, I guess I am. So what are we supposed to be doing today?" 

"I dunno to be honest." 

"Well, we could talk?" 

"Talk?" 

"Yeah, I'm sure you still have a lot to get off your chest. The least I could do is give you answers and listen to what you have to say." Trixie looked at me and sighed. 

"That will take a while. Six years worth of questions and heartbreak that I need to get off my chest Katya." 

"I know, trust me I know. But I got time okay? I know I fucked up alright, I am not denying that but if I'm gonna be back here, I want to fix this or at least be okay. I'm not saying we become best friends again because best friends aren't made over night. I'm just asking for a chance." Trixie was silent, but after a little bit she took a deep breathe. 

"Okay, I guess we can try."

"I don't really want to spend the whole day inside, how about we go to the beach?"

"Uh, Katya it is snowing."

"Fine, let's go to the lake." Trixie sighed then groaned. 

"What is up with you and the outdoors?"

"Nature is great!" 

"Completely and fully can't relate." 

"Come on Trix." 

"Fine Katya, only if it stops your begging." I smiled and hugged Trixie. 

"Okay, go home and get dressed then meet me back here in a hour okay?" 

"I guess. But I have to call a nurse to come sit with my mother today." 

"Oh, you know we don't have to go out right?" 

"Yeah I know, but I need to." 

"Okay, only if you are sure."

"I am. I'll be back in a hour." Trixie stood up and walked to the door. She grabbed her shoes and slipped them on. I got up and walked her outside. At the gate, I pulled her into a hug without thinking. At first she kept her hands by her sides then wrapped her arms around me. We stood in my front yard, holding each other. Trixie slowly pulled away from me with a smile. She walked to her house and waved as she opened the door. "You can go inside now." 

"I know." Trixie shook her head and smiled as she closed the door. I walked back inside and took a deep breathe. She was giving me another chance and I wasn't gonna fuck up. I walked upstairs to my room and as I did, I looked at all of the pictures my parents had. All of the pictures that pieced together my life with Trixie. I stopped at the picture my mother took of Trixie and I after Trixie won some math competition. I was so proud of her. She had been so nervous about it. She couldn't sleep right for a whole month. I remember climbing out of my window to go sit with her while she studied seamless math problems. I didn't talk much but she always told me having me there was enough to keep her going. She said that about everything and I could only wonder how she kept going without me by her side.


	11. "My angel won't be alone when I'm gone."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Do you promise?" 
> 
> "Of course." I felt relieved to hear Katya's promise. The rest of the drive, our joined hands sat on my lap. It was a small gesture but it brought a rushing wave of calm over me.

Trixie's POV  
I looked at myself in my vanity as I curled my hair. I tried not to think about what I was setting myself up for, what I was opening the door to. My grip on the curling iron tighten, why was I doing this in the first place? I didn't owe anything to Katya, not at all. But she didn't act like I did, did she? Ever since she got back, she's been walking on egg shells around me. She wasn't the Katya I fell in love with when I was younger, but then again heartbreak can do that to you. I knew that better than anyone, losing so many loved ones within three years of each other. The worse one was Katya by far. My father and grandfather couldn't help their death, but Katya could. She killed what we had and now she was here trying to play Dr. Frankenstein. Trying to bring it back from the dead, trying to awaken the slain beast that was once a lovely creature. That dead friendship was nothing but a beast to me now, so why? Why am I letting her try? I felt a burning pain by my cheek that made me jump. I dropping my curling iron and looked at my face. "Fuck me." I heard a knock at my door as I looked at my cheek. "Come in." My mother walked in with a smile on her face. 

"Hello dear." 

"Hi ma." 

"How is everything going?"

"Well, I burned myself." 

"Now, how on earth did you do that?" My mother turned my face to get a good look at the bruise forming. "Hmm, you shouldn't wear makeup." 

"Is it that bad?"

"No, you are just beautiful without it dear." My mother kissed my head and picked up the curling iron. She started to curl the remaining locks of my hair. "I'm proud of you." 

"For what?"

"Well, I could choose a number of things but we don't have enough time so we'll go with the latest, trying." I looked at my mother's eyes in the mirror. I saw tears swell up in her eyes. 

"Ma, why are you crying?" 

"Because my angel won't be alone when I'm gone. You have become such a strong woman and I am so proud to have seen you grow up the way you have." I turned to face my mother and pulled her into a hug. I cried into her robe as she held me. 

After getting ready, I looked at myself in the mirror. My pink hair was curled, my face was bare, and my body looked amazing. I pulled at the blue skinny jeans to fix them. I put on my white fluffy coat and headed downstairs. I walked into the kitchen and found my mother talking with her nurse. "I'm leaving ma." 

"Oh, dear where is your lunch?" I looked at the nurse, she nodded her head. I sighed then took a deep breathe, putting a smile on my face. 

"Katya is bringing me lunch ma." 

"That is so sweet of her. Make sure to tell her mother that I still want my rematch in Scrabble. 

"Yes ma'am. See ya later ma, love you." I walked out of the house and leaned against the door after I closed it. I shook my head and walked quickly to Katya's house. I knocked on the door as I looked down. When Katya opened the door, I could feel her eyes on me. 

"Trix, what's wrong?" 

"Can we go?" 

"Sure thing, go ahead and get in the car. I have to put on my boots." Katya handed me the keys and went back inside. I walked to the car and got in. I closed my eyes and put my head in my hands. Life just isn't fair and it hurts, hurts so bad. I wish it could be right, no pain felt at all. I wish good people didn't have to go through hell without a damn reason. My tears burned as they fell down my face. It was just too much, life was getting to be too much. I felt a small tap on my shoulder.

"Trix, what's wrong?" 

"Just drive, please." I sat up and looked out of the window. Katya sighed and started to drive. I wiped away the tears that fell down my face. I watched all of the trees pass by, watched the world on the outside pass by. Katya switched on the radio, trying to drown out the quiet. She hated the silence, she always had. I remember telling her to focus on her homework instead of the songs playing on her phone. It was always a hassle getting her to focus on what she needed to really pay attention to. She was always finding distractions, something to take her interest. There were times that I would catch her staring at me instead of studying and when I asked her about it, she just smiled and shrugged her shoulders. She never told me why she would stare, and it killed me. I looked at Katya for a moment. She was leaning back in her seat with one hand on the wheel and the other resting on her lap. 

"Stop staring." I turned away from her and blushed. 

"Hey! I am not staring at you." 

"You so are staring at me."

"You have no proof."

"Well, your eyes are on me so therefore you are staring."

"Looking, I was looking."

"Hmm, if you say so. Are you ready to talk about what was wrong?"

"What do you mean?"

"You came to my door crying, and well the trees are covered in snow so it isn't your allergies."

"Ma remembered a few things, she even curled my hair."

"Hey, that is good." I looked at Katya, not saying anything. "Isn't it?"

"By the time I was done getting ready, she thought I needed a lunch for school."

"Ah, okay. I am sorry Trix."

"It is fine, I need to start getting used to it. It is just, she forgets much quicker now. Soon, she won't remember much at all. I don't know what I am going to do then." Katya put her hand on mine and smiled at me. 

"You will get through it, I will make sure I am there for you. No matter what." 

"Do you promise?" 

"Of course." I felt relieved to hear Katya's promise. The rest of the drive, our joined hands sat on my lap. It was a small gesture but it brought a rushing wave of calm over me.


	12. "Because I know her. She is my best friend."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Let's make a fort." Trixie laughed and looked at me. 
> 
> "Katya, we are in our 20's, why would we want a fort?"
> 
> "Because it is the best time of year, come on."

Katya's POV

Trixie hadn't talked much after she told me what was wrong, but then again she was never one to talk much when something was bothering her. She has always been like that, even with something as little as her losing a doll. I smiled as I remembered that day. I remembered it like it was yesterday. It was a week after Trixie and I spent our first Christmas together, we spent Christmas day playing in the snow and opening gifts. I begged my mother to let me buy Trixie a gift, a pretty doll in a pretty red dress that I had seen in the toy store while shopping with my dad. It was a Christmas Barbie. "Mommy, I really wanna get Trixie a doll. Can I, please?"

"Yekaterina, how do you know she wants a doll?"

"Because I know her. She is my best friend." I pulled at my mother's skirt and looked in her eyes. 

"Does that really mean anything?" My eyes filled with tears as I looked at my mother.

"Of course it matters mommy. How could you ask that?" My mother kneeled down with a small smile on her face. 

"I am just joking Katya, I know how much Trixie means to you. We will get her the doll okay?"

"Really?" My mom wiped a tear from my face as she chuckled. 

"Yes." I wrapped my arms around my mother's neck, hugging her. After we went to the toy store and bought the doll, I sat in the backseat, hugging the box. 

"Thank you mommy, thank you so much."

"You are welcome honey. I think we have some pink wrapping paper and pink bows that you can use, how that sound?"

"That sounds great. Um, mommy?"

"Yes Yekaterina?"

"Hmm, can you not tell Trixie that you bought it? I wanna tell her I did." 

"Okay dear, I think I can do that." I smiled as I looked at the doll in the box. When my mom and I got home, I ran right to my room. I spent a hour running back and forth to my mom for help with wrapping Trixie's gift. After I was done with Trixie's gift, I put it under the tree and sat down so my mother could braid my hair. I wore a red dress with fluffy sleeves that made me itch. I tugged at the collar as soon as I put it on. "Katya, stop that."

"But, I don't like it. It is itchy."

"I know, but it won't be for long."

"I wanna take it off."

"Don't you want Trixie to see how pretty you look? You know, you look like her doll." 

"Really?"

"Yes, you do." I smiled and fixed my dress.

"I knew I liked this dress." My mom laughed as she out bows in my hair. We turned around when we heard the door open. My dad walked in with a smile on his face.

"Hey, look who was walking over." Trixie peeked from behind him and laughed. 

"Trixie!"

"Katya!" Trixie ran to me, hugging me, sending both of us to the ground. 

"Beatrice Mattel, you are going to get Katya dirty." Mrs. Mattel stepped inside our house with gifts in her hand,s looking at Trixie. Trixie looked up from having her head buried in my neck and frowned. 

"But I haven't seen her in forever."

"Trixie, it has been only a day. You and Katya played the other day remember?" My mom helped Trixie and I up then fixed our dresses. 

"Yes ma'am." Trixie tapped my hand, which meant she wanted to hold it. I grabbed her hand and smiled at her. 

"Good, now I cooked dinner so we can eat then open gifts. Val, you can put the gifts you brought under the tree." We all walked into the dining room and sat down, Trixie and I sat by each other as always. After Trixie and I finished eating, I begged my mom to let us open each other's gift. As soon as she said yes, we ran back into the living room. I picked up the pink box and put it in Trixie's lap as she sat on the floor. 

"Open it, open it." 

"I am, I am." Trixie smiled as she ripped the paper away from the box. She sat bright eyed as she looked the blonde girl in the box. "Oh my gosh, is she mine?"

"Uh huh, I picked her out." 

"Oooh Katya, thank you. She is so pretty." Trixie jumped on me, hugging me and kissing my cheek. She sat back down and looked at the doll. "You kinda look like her Kat. So, I think I love her even more now."

"I'm glad you like her." Trixie smiled as she took a red box from under the tree. 

"Here open yours." I tore red paper from the box and squealed as I saw what my gift was, it was a jacket with my name on it. It was just like the one Trixie always wore to school. 

"Trixie, I love it." 

"My mommy and I went to pick it up yesterday. I told her it had to be red." I slipped the jacket on and smiled at Trixie. 

"I will keep it forever."

"Promise?"

"Yes."

"Well, good thing we are going to be friends forever."

"Why?"

"Because that way I can sure you keep your promise." I hugged Trixie as we sat on the floor. For rest of our first Christmas together, we played for hours. We spent the day running the snow and making snowmen. Then that night, we slept in my room, warm in a blanket fort we made the previous day. Trixie was always the cuddling type, I didn't like it at first but I got used to it. A week after I got the doll for Trixie, she came to my house all sad. She didn't tell me what was wrong until it was time for her to leave. She stood in the middle of the doorway, crying and begging me not to hate her. Turns out she didn't lose it, but her mom misplaced it. I shook my head, forcing the past from my head. 

"Hey Trix?"

"Yeah?"

"Let's make a fort." Trixie laughed and looked at me. 

"Katya, we are in our 20's, why would we want a fort?"

"Because it is the best time of year, come on."

"Fine, when we get back to your house we can make a fort. On one condition though."

"Okay and what is that?"

"I want hot chocolate."

"I think I can do for ya."

"Good." Trixie went back to looking out of the window with a tiny smile on her face. I know I had a lot to do and make up for but Trixie made me want to do it. I knew that it would take a bit, but I could start by making this upcoming Christmas just as good as our first one.


	13. "You are too pure for this fucking world"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "How life turns out so different than what you want or even think it will."
> 
> "Explain?"

Trixie's POV

Katya and I had been sitting in the grass for a while now, the lake was our favorite place to go when we were younger. It was the place where we went to talk when something was bothering one of us. Katya wasn't talking so I could only wonder what was on her mind. "Kat?"

"Yes Trixie?"

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, just thinking."

"Oh, about what?"

"How life turns out so different than what you want or even think it will."

"Explain?"

"Us for example, thought we would be best friends until the day we die. But because of my teenage angst, I ruined that. It is fucking wild to think about, how one choice can change so much." 

"Where is all this coming from?"

"Been thinking about it ever since I left really. As soon as that plane landed in Russia I knew I had a mistake. I couldn't just come back though, or that is what I told myself. I thought about you everyday though, thought about our friendship and just how I didn't think about you when I made the choice to leave. The more I thought about it, the harder it got. Yeah, you still called me and texted me, which made it so much worse. You didn't show any signs of hating me and that drove me mad because I wanted you to hate me after I left. But when I talked to our mutual friends, they said you would always ask about me or say that you hoped I was doing well and that you loved me." Katya chuckled as she spoke. She turned to look at me with a teary smile. "I was running from the fact that I loved my best friend, because I just thought I was too fucked up for you. I was in love with you Mattel and it scared the shit out of me, so much that I went across water. I regret that decision, no matter how many times I try to look at it in a different light."

"Kat..I'm sorry." Katya stood up and started pacing. 

"There is no need for you to be sorry Trixie. There never is, you are too pure for this fucking world. Trixie, don't you see? This is all my fault, all of it. I refused to come home because I didn't know how you would react. I was scared that you would slap me, tell me to fuck off but I was even more scared of you just forgiving me and telling me it is okay."

"Katya, where is all this coming from?"

"From my less than great brain, the brain that keeps me up at night. I want this to work and be great but then part of me is still making myself feel like shit for what I did."

"Kat, I know that being in love with your best friend is scary. I mean, you're the reason I started liking girls in the first place, did I tell you that? Fuck no, but I do understand. You can't keep kicking yourself down because you feel like that is where you're supposed to be. You said sorry and you're pushing to fix it. Katya you could have stayed in Russia, but no you came back." I stood up and took Katya's hands in mine. "We both have a lot to work through but we can do it together." Katya chuckled as she pulled me into a hug.

"It's like we are a fucking married couple."

"Eh, is that so bad?"

"I mean, playing house was our favorite thing to do."

"Shut up Katya." 

"Oh come one Trixie, remember when you told the teachers your name was Trixie Mattel- Zamolodchikova, and how they should address you as such?"

"Katya, I swear shut up." 

"It was cute, Mrs. Mattel-Zamolodchikova. I like the sound of it."

"Katya, that is not my name."

"Aw, but you said it was. Don't wanna be my wife anymore?" Katya wrapped her arms around my waist.

"Never was."

"Oh, lies."

"We were never married in a court of law nor did a priest marry us."

"There is a courthouse right now the road mama."

"Katya, do you have to joke about everything?"

"Who said I was joking?" I stared at Katya as she smiled at me. Katya had a way of making me forget all logic and live on the edge. The younger me would have loved to marry Katya, it was what I wanted for a long time. And I would be lying if I said I still haven't thought about it.

"Don't say something that you can't follow through with." Katya kissed my cheek and let me go, walking closer to the lake. I missed her touch but I pulled myself together as I watched Katya walk on the frozen lake. 

"We should go ice skating tomorrow."

"Katya, you know I hate ice skating."

"It will be fun. Well, we better get going so you can have that hot coca.

"Okay." Katya took my hand as we walked back to the car. 

"Hey Trix?"

"Hmm?"

"I want to follow through someday, okay?" Katya stopped walking and looked at me. "Okay?"

"O-okay."

"Okay."


	14. "You've seen these so many times."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Why the fuck not?"
> 
> "Because it doesn't go there dumbass."

Katya's POV  
"Trixie, don't put that one there."

"Why the fuck not?"

"Because it doesn't go there dumbass." 

"Katya, go suck a dick. I don't wanna do this anyway, I hate Christmas." Trixie fell to the floor and groaned. She had been telling me how much she hated me for the past hour. After we got back, I wanted to do something to lighten up the mood. So while Trixie was making the hot chocolate, I went to the garage and grabbed the old Christmas tree we got when we were younger. Good thing it wasn't real. As soon as I walked in the house with it, she told me to burn it. There were so many memoirs attached to this tree. I remember when Trixie argued with my dad over the fact that it was fake, she lost her 11 year old shit. The argument didn't stop until my mom said that Trixie and I could help her bake the Christmas cookies. Christmas used to be Trixie's favorite holiday, but I killed that. "Katya, are we done yet?"

"No, we still have two boxes of stuff to hang."

"Katya, this is so stupid." Trixie sighed as she went through one of the boxes. She gasped as she pulled out a little pink angel with black wings. 

"Hey, I remember that." 

"So do I. It is the angel I made in class, the one that you fucked up." 

"Hey! I didn't fuck anything up."

"Katya you painted her wings black and gave her whorish red lips."

"What? Angels suck dick. She has to pay bills someway and the red let's people know she is selling."

"Still doesn't explain the wings." 

"Gives her character."

"Oh and the red back story doesn't?"

"No, that is just her life story."

"You're a psycho." Trixie set the angel beside her and looked through the box some more. She pulled out a homemade picture frame that had a picture of us in it. It was the day I got my wisdom tooth out. I didn't remember shit about that day but Trixie made sure to tell me. 

She told me how I finally told her that I hated her favorite movie and how I cried about it for four hours. She told me that she recorded it and when I called her bluff, she showed me the video. But I got her back. I made sure to record her the day she got her wisdom tooth out. The day she told her football star boyfriend that his dick was small and that she might as well suck on a grape. "Katya?"

"Yeah?"

"What's this?" Trixie was holding up a red leather book that was wearing away. 

"Oh, that is my mom's old photo album. I thought she lost that thing." I sat beside Trixie as she opened the book. The page were pictures of me as a baby. "Ugh no."

"Awe baby Katya." 

"You've seen these so many times."

"Yeah and I still love them." The next page were baby pictures of Trixie. "Hey, where'd she get these from?"

"Oh, she asked your mom. She called her one day while I was sick from school."

"Yeah, you were oh so sick." Trixie rolled her eyes as she smiled.

"Shut up, I was. Sick of Mr. Rockwell and his pop quizzes that were never a surprise." 

"I remember that day you said it was against your religion to take quizzes about American history."

"Yep, still hate that shit to this very day." Trixie flipped through some more pages and stopped at the last picture we took together. It was two days before I left, it was one of my favorite pictures. Trixie's nose was red from the cold. I had my arm wrapped around her, kissing her cheek and in the back of us was the tree. We had been out in the snow all day, shoveling the driveways and just relaxing under our tree. Those kisses meant so much to me and I never knew why really. Well, I didn't want to know why. I was okay just watching and loving Trixie was a far. Even though she was never far away from me, I felt like her heart was. Someone else always had her eye and I just accepted it. I helped her up when she fell and loved her when she needed it. 

"Well, we should get finished." Trixie looked at the naked Christmas tree and smiled. 

"Thought you didn't wanna do it." I want the tree to look good for some new pictures. Trixie smiled at me and put the book on the coffee table. I shook my head as I watched Trixie put different ornaments in different piles. I wanted to make this Christmas the best we've ever had, and I was going to do that.


	15. "Katya...it's mom."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'...I'm sorry," I finally spoke, but it was barely a whisper.
> 
> "Huh?"
> 
> "I'm sorry."

Trixie's POV

Spending time with Katya brought back a lot of emotions and memoirs. The pain and hurt, feelings of anger and bitterness where there but I didn't pay much attention to those emotions. Somehow I forgot how being around Katya just wrapped me in a blanket of warmth and love. No matter how much I denied it, I loved Katya. That is what got me through the week, Katya and the conversions we had at night. I would call her and tell her I needed to just relax, she would offer to come over and sit with me but I would refuse, tell her I was fine when I wasn't. The moments I was fine or okay were few and far between. I couldn't tell Katya that though, I didn't want her to see me cry again. Even though she was trying to fix everything, I still had a bit of doubt. I was stressed as hell so I was a crying mess. My mother's health was becoming worse. I knew it was gonna happen at some point but you can never fully prepare for heartbreak. 

It was a Saturday, at 5am when I heard the loud crashing sound. I jumped out of my bed and ran downstairs. Before I reached bottom of the stairs, I saw my mom. I ran to her side and lifted her head. "Mom! Mom, come on mom. Wake up." I took off my shirt and rolled it up. I took the hair ties out of my hair and wrapped them around my shirt, making a pillow. I softly set my mother's head on it and ran to the kitchen. I grabbed the landline and dialed 911. "Hi, hello. Yes, um my mother fell down the stairs."

"Okay ma'am, please relax. How old is your mother sweetie?"

"Uh she is 72."

"Okay, does she have any health issues?"

"She is very ill." The lady started to ramble on but the only thing I could do was look at my mother.

"Okay dear last thing, where do you live?"

"Um, Landing Drive 2349."

"Okay, there is help on the way.

"Okay, please hurry." The next number I dialed was Katya's. She picked up after the first ring. 

"Hello?" There was sleep lacing her voice that calmed a little of the panic in me. 

"Katya...it's mom."

"Shit, I'm coming over. Unlock the door." 

"Mmhmm." I put the phone down and walked to the door, opening it. After opening the door, I walked to my mother's side. The color in her face was fading and her warmth fading. The only thing I could was cry. 

"Trixie, I'm here." I lifted my head to see Katya standing in the door, in joggers and a jacket. "Shit, baby what happen?"

"I...I don't know Katya." Katya ran to me and kneeled in front of me. There was nothing but focus in her face. She put her hand on my thigh and looked at me. 

"We have to move her to the sofa, okay? Can you do that?" I nodded my head, unable to speak. Katya told me how to hold my mother and made sure I was okay before we lifted her. We laid her on the sofa and I broke down when I saw blood on my hands from my mother's head. Somehow I didn't notice it before. Katya caught me as my knees went weak. "Shh, baby it'll be okay." Katya took her jacket off and put it around me. Katya didn't leave my side at all, when the police and paramedics arrived, when they asked questions, and even when they left and took my mother to the hospital, Katya stayed by my side. When the last officer left, Katya lead me to a chair and sat me down. She walked in the kitchen and I heard her putting on water. "I'm gonna make you some tea baby and I'm going to go ahead and stay the night with you. I'll sleep down here on the sofa." The only thing I could do was look down at the blood on my hands. Katya walked to me and kneeled down. She put her hand on my chin and made me look at her. "I'll be back okay, I promise." She stood up, kissed my head, and walked out of the house. I brought my knees to my chest and put my head down. After a little bit Katya came back with a bucket and a mop. She walked into the kitchen and ran water in the bucket. I watched as she walked to the base of the stairs and started to clean up the blood. She cleaned the wooden floors, then got on her hands and knees to polish them. 

After Katya finished cleaning the floor, she looked at me. "Trixie, come here." I didn't move or answer Katya. She sighed and picked me up, walking me up the stairs. She took me to my bathroom, turned on the light, set me down, and ran water in the tub. "Take off those clothes, I'll be back." Katya walked back to my room and I could hear her going through my closet. She came back with shorts and a t-shirt, things for me to wear to bed. She shook her head as she looked at me, because of the fact that I hadn't moved. She pulled her jacket over my head, unhooked my bra, and took off my sweatpants. She helped me into the tub after she turned off the water, and started to wash blood off of my hands. "I'm gonna wash your pants, you got blood on them." 

"I'...I'm sorry," I finally spoke, but it was barely a whisper.

"Huh?"

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay babe, don't worry about it. You can have the jacket after I wash it by the way. Now, let's wash your hair." Katya put shampoo in my hair as she hummed some sort of tune. As Katya rinsed my hair, I began to cry. It started off as a little sniffle and a few tears, but it soon broke out into a full blown break down."Shit, Trixie. Did I get soap in your eyes?" I shook my head no and looked up at her. 

"I'm sorry Katya, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I was sleeping and..and I should have been up already, but I was so tired that I didn't get up when I normally would." Katya wrapped her arms around me and pulled me into a hug. She held me until my breathing evened out, until I calmed down. When I was finally calm, Katya spoke. 

"It isn't your fault Trixie. You do all you can, and even more." Katya kissed my head and held me tighter. 

"Katya?"

"Yes?"

"Will you sleep with me, in my room tonight? I don't want to sleep alone."

"Of course I will love, of course I will. But let's get you all cleaned first." I nodded my head as Katya finished with my hair. I wasn't fine, I wasn't okay and now Katya knew it.


	16. "Katya was helping me."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Mrs. Mattel, it is my fault. I got pissed when Trixie told me."
> 
> "Katya, watch your mouth."

Katya's POV

After Trixie got dressed after finishing her bath, we laid in her bed. It was about 3 in the afternoon and we hadn't moved at all. I held her as close as I possibly could. "Trixie, you're shaking. Are you cold? I can turn on the heat."

"No, I'm okay."

"Okay babe."

"Katya?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you still love me, like are you still in love with me?"

"Where'd that question come from?"

"My brain."

"Smartass, and yes I do still love you."

"Are you still in love with me?"

"Yes Trixie, I very much still am. Now, can you answer a question for me?"

"Sure."

"Why did you ask?"

"Because I wanted to know so I could figure something out."

"And that something is?"

"Nope, you answered one question so I answer one."

"Well, I answered two actually. You asked if I still loved you and if I was still in love with you. Those are two very different things so they count as two mama."

"Fine, you win." Trixie sighed as she looked up at me. "Well, I was trying to figure out if I still was in love with you."

"And?"

"And, I don't know."

"Anyway I could help?"

"I don't know that either." 

"Hey Trixie, do you trust me?"

"Yes."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, why?" 

"Good." I smiled and lifted Trixie's chin. I looked in her eyes as I softly brought my lips to hers. I held Trixie as I gently touched her cheek, pulling her deeper into the kiss. The kiss was short but it was enough for me to fall deeper in love with her. I pulled back and smiled as I rubbed my thumb across Trixie's cheek. 

"W-why did you do that?"

"Well, I could say it was to help you find your answer, or I could tell you that it is something I have wanted to do ever since I was 15, or it could be both."

"Katya, you are crazy."

"Yeah, but that doesn't stop me from knowing that I love you Trixie."

"I love you too Katya. Katya?"

"Hmm?"

"I have a question."

"And I have an answer."

"I hope so. Um, Katya will..will you be my girlfriend?" My smile grew bigger as I looked at Trixie. "Katya, say something."

"Yes."

"Really?"

"Yes, really."

"I've wanted to ask you for such a long time."

"You could have asked me years ago."

"Katya, you were too busy chasing behind every girl in town to even pay attention to me."

"That's a lie. You were the girl I always came back to."

"Yeah, for you to cry on Katya."

"Well, I am not chasing anyone anymore. I have you now."

"You've had me all this time, you just didn't know." I pulled Trixie into another kiss, making her gasp. 

"Oh shut up." Trixie sighed and giggled after kissing my cheek. We fell into a peaceful silence as I held her. Trixie smiled as she held my hand. 

"Katya?" 

"Yea?"

"Do you remember when Alex broke up with me?"

"Oh my gosh, yes. You couldn't stop crying and whining about how you lost your true love. But why do you ask that now? Are you trying to tell me that I am not the love of your life?" Trixie giggled as she looked at our joined hands. 

"I was asking because I remember you would climb out of your window and climb in mine. You would hold me until I stopped crying. We set an alarm for 4 am so you could get home before your parents found out."

"Shit, yeah I remember the one time we overslept."

"I always loved the way you held me Katya. It made me feel safe. I felt safe with you, when it was just you and I. I remember when we went to prom together."

"I had ro, I wanted you to have fun. You wouldn't have went if I didn't go."

"You always made things better for me, even though you didn't have to."

"Trixie, you were my best friend. I always had to make you happy, it was my job. Ever since I met you, I wanted to. I told you that I would protect you from all the shitty stuff in the world."

"I remember that. You were the first person that I ever heard curse." 

"I meant what I said Trixie. I want to protect you. Yeah, I messed up but I want to make it better." Trixie kissed me softly as she held my hand tighter. 

"You already made it better."

"I'm glad I could baby. Now do you want to get up?"

"No, I kind of want to sleep more."

"Sounds like a good plan to me." I wrapped my arm around Trixie as she got comfortable. 

"Katya?"

"Hmm?"

"I love you."

"I love you too Trixie." Trixie closed her eyes as it started to rain. The sound of raindrops hitting the window relaxed me. As I closed my eyes, I thought about that promise I made to Trixie. I remembered Trixie running to our tree crying, her dress covered in dirt and a tiny cut on her perfect doll like face. She was about 13 and I was 14. I had missed that day of school because I had a doctor's appointment so Trixie went to school on her own. I was waiting on Trixie because I missed her so much. Trixie and I did everything together, we were always at each other's side so it sucked being away from her. 

"Katya!!" I looked up from the hole I had been digging with my foot. 

"Huh? Trixie, what's wrong?"

"Some girls bullied me today. They have been calling me names all day and when I was walking home, they pushed me and hit me. They made me drop my bag, my books are all dirty Katya." I saw nothing but red that day, all red and nothing more. I jumped off of the tire swing and took Trixie's hand. 

"Where?"

"The old pine bridge that leads to the main road. Why?" 

"Because I'm going to make those bitches pay." I heard Trixie gasp as I pulled her down our street to the bridge. My rage was fueled more when I saw who the girls where. It was my ex best friend Ginger and a two of her friends. "Hey Ginger!" Without thinking, my fist connected with Ginger's face. She fell to the ground so I got on top of her, connecting my fist again and again. I stood up and looked down at Ginger, still not seeing clearly.

"What the fuck Katya?!" Ginger grabbed her jaw as she looked at me, her voice laced with pain. As Ginger's two lackeys walked towards me, I put my foot on Ginger's neck. 

"Come near Trixie again and I'll kill you. Got that?!" Ginger looked at me without answering then her eyes drifted to Trixie. I pushed my foot harder on her throat. "Don't you fucking look at her you bitch, now answer me! I won't ask you again!"

"Alright, I got it. I got it."

"Good, now fucking say sorry." 

"Sorry Trixie." Trixie was holding onto my arm, scared of what was happening. I pressed harder with my foot. 

"Like you mean it." I spoke with my teeth clenched, holding back my anger the best that I could. 

"Okay, Trixie I'm sorry!"

"I forgive you." I lifted my foot and picked up the bags that belonged to Ginger and her friends. I opened each of them and emptied the contents in the creek below the bridge. 

"Have fun, come on Trixie." I wrapped my arm around Trixie as we walked home. "Shit."

"What's wrong Kat?"

"I hurt my fucking hand." Trixie lifted my hand and looked at it closely. 

"You should get my mom to look at it Kat. There is blood"

"I was hoping you wouldn't say that." Trixie hugged me as we walked to my house. As soon as we walked inside, my mother freaked out over my bruised and bloody hand. My mom called for Trixie's mother after she told us to sit down. 

"Ms. Pat, mom, Katya was helping me." Trixie's mother was wrapping my hand as she shook her head. 

"Trixie, you should have told your father and I." 

"I know...but.." I cut in as I saw Trixie starting to get upset. 

"Mrs. Mattel, it is my fault. I got pissed when Trixie told me."

"Katya, watch your mouth." 

"Sorry mom, but I got mad okay? Don't blame her." Trixie's mom smiled as she looked up at me, with teary eyes. 

"Thank you for sticking up for my daughter Katya. You really are a good kid." She kissed my forehead and stood up. "It is nothing but a little bruised and this blood isn't Katya's as far as I can tell." 

"Thanks Mrs. Mattel." Our moms walked in the kitchen to talk while Trixie and I sat in the living room. Trixie came to sit closer to me, concern written all over her face. 

"Thank you Katya."

"Anything for you." Trixie sighed as she looked down at my hand. "What's wrong?"

"I just wish I could have defended myself."

"Trixie, you are my best friend. I'm here to protect you okay? So you don't have to defend yourself, because I'm gonna be the one protecting you from the shitty things in the world." 

"Thanks Kat, you really are my best friend."


	17. "It might be time to say goodbye"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Can you walk?"
> 
> "I think so."
> 
> "I don't want you to almost fall again."

Trixie's POV  
*one month later*

"You okay?"

"Yeah, just tired."

"I figured you would be. You kept tossing and turning last night."

"I just had a lot on my mind, I'm sorry babe."

"It's okay, but just know I'm here for you. Okay?"

"I know."

"So after we leave the hospital, what do you want to do?"

"Honestly, I want to just sleep." 

"That sounds good." Katya had been staying with me ever since my mother had her accident. She rarely left my side, which made me feel a little better. I looked out of the window as Katya drove us to the hospital. I had been so many times in the past three years that I never wanted to see another hospital in my life. "Trixie?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you ever call the doctor back?"

"No, I was scared to."

"Why?"

"Scared of what he has to say."

"I get that but baby it must of been important for him to call so late at night." Katya was right but I didn't want her to be. It was hard enough getting up to take the hour drive to the hospital. I really wanted things to just work themselves out, but just because you wanted something doesn't mean it would be yours. 

As Katya pulled into the parking lot of the hospital, she grabbed my hand. "Hey." 

"Yeah?"

"I'm right here okay?"

"Yeah, I know." 

"You go ahead inside, I'll find a parking space." I nodded as I opened the door. Before I could step out of the car, Katya pulled me back. She kissed me slowly and softly. Katya pulled away after a few more seconds. 

"You enjoy doing that, don't you?"

"You know it." I shook my head as I got out of the car. I walked to the front desk, signed in, and went up the stairs. I took the time to walk instead of taking the elevator, it gave me time to prepare myself. Once I finally made it to the third floor, I walked to my mother's room. She was sleeping, which wasn't new at this point. I walked in her hospital room and sat down in the chair next to her bed. 

"Ms. Mattel?" I looked up to see the doctor who had been taking care of my mother. 

"Yes?"

"How are you today?" The doctor came and stood next to my mother, looking at her chart. 

"Okay, I suppose."

"That is good to hear. Ms. Mattel, I was looking over the rest of your mother's results and she just doesn't seem to be getting better. We have done four different surgeries to try and take down the swelling in her brain. It just doesn't seem to be working the way we hoped. The fall wouldn't have been so bad if she wasn't already in such a weaken state. We really need to weigh our options."

"I understand doctor." I looked at my sleeping mother and felt a pain in my heart. The doctor put his hand on my shoulder as he sighed. 

"We will keep trying all that we can, but it might be time to say goodbye soon." I nodded as I held back tears. The doctor left as Katya walked inside the door. 

"Hello doctor." 

"Hello Katya." Katya's smile faded when she saw my eyes swell with tears. 

"Baby? What's going on?"

"He said that nothing they are doing is working." Katya stood in front of me and pulled me into a hug.

"Baby, I'm so sorry." The only thing I could do was cry. I didn't want to lose my mother but if she was in pain then maybe it was for the best. I hid my face in Katya's shirt, letting out all of my pain. The silent pain that I'd been feeling for a while now. 

After a two hours of crying at the hospital, Katya told me that we should leave. She said that it wasn't healthy for me to be here right now and I knew she was right. I kissed my mother's head after telling her that I loved her. I knew there was a chance she didn't hear me but I still told her. Katya had to help me get to the car considering the fact that I was tired. I had spent so much of my energy crying, that I had energy for nothing else. Katya pulled into the driveway of her house and sighed. "I think we should stay here tonight."

"Okay."

"Can you walk?"

"I think so."

"I don't want you to almost fall again."

"I'll be fine." 

"Okay babe." Katya got out of the car and walked to the front door. I stayed in the car for a little bit, just thinking. This was all too much for me, it always has been but at least I could sleep and know that my mother would wake up in the morning. I didn't know if she would now, I had no idea if my mother would be okay the next time I went to see her. I didn't know if I would get the phone call in the middle of the night, telling me that I should call my sisters and brother. I looked out of the window as I took a deep breathe. There was nothing I could do. I got out of the car and walked inside. I looked around for Katya, but didn't see her anywhere. 

"Katya? Where are you?"

"I'm in the kitchen love." I walked in the kitchen and laughed when I saw Katya with an apron around her waist. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing, just..when did you become the house wife type?"

"I always have been mama. It's not my fault that you see me like that now."

"Oh sure." I put my head on Katya's shoulder to try and see what she was doing. "What are you cooking?" 

"It's a surprise. Go take a bubble bath okay? It should be ready when you are done." 

"But what if I don't want to take a bubble bath?"

"I don't care. You need to relax." Katya put down the spoon that was in her hand and kissed my head. "Baby, you've been stressed. I want you to relax, okay?"

"Okay, okay."

"Thank you." I walked out the kitchen and up the stairs to Katya's room. I turned on Katya's light as I smiled a little. It was crazy how a single room could hold so many memoirs. Katya was trying to hold me up, just like she did for so long. It comforted me to know that she was here when I needed her.


	18. "It Was Hard"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Just a few things that mom used to make."
> 
> "You know, you didn't have to do all this."

Katya's POV

I sat on the counter as I waited for the food to get done. I decided to cook a few Russian dishes for Trixie, dishes that she loved my mother making. Trixie had been so stressed lately, and it made me worry. Yeah, she was stressed when we were younger but that was about school. Test and stuff like that, but it was different now. Trixie was stressed about her mom now and shit that just I couldn't help that. I couldn't just hold her and tell her it would be over like I used to. The only thing I could do, was to be here whenever it got too much for her. "Katya?"

"Still in the kitchen babe." Trixie came walking into the kitchen, her hair dripping. "How was it?"

"It was nice."

"See? Aren't you glad you listened to me?"

"Whatever. So, what are you cooking?"

"Just a few things that mom used to make."

"You know, you didn't have to do all this."

"I know, but I wanted to. I didn't want you to have to cook tonight or anything."

"You're sweet." I jumped off of the counter and walked to Trixie. 

"It should be done soon but until it is, we can watch a movie or something."

"That sounds nice." Trixie and I walked in the living room and sat down. I flipped through the channels while Trixie dried her hair with a towel. "Farrah and Pearl called."

"Oh, what did they want?" Trixie shrugged her shoulders with an overwhelming 'I don't give a fuck' look on her face. "You didn't answer, did you?"

"Sure didn't."

"Don't you think you need to tell them what is happening?"

"Eh, the doctor does that. He calls and updates them, well when he can get through to them."

"Pick up when they can?"

"More like when they feel like it. Mom is like number 7 on their list of top 5 important things." 

"Damn."

"Yeah, and to think they are coming for Christmas."

"Are you excited?"

"No, but I'll probably tell them not to even bother showing up."

"Why?"

"I'm spending Christmas at the hospital with mom. The trip would be a waste of their time. Max, Pearl, and Farrah all hate hospitals. I don't have time to babysit them." 

"I understand." Trixie was never one to beat around the bush with her brother and sisters, but this was wow. Even if they all annoyed each other, they were always there for each other. Pearl was Trixie's second closet friend after me after all, but in my time being back I haven't heard her talk to Pearl at all. A lot must have happen in those years that I was gone. 

Trixie and I sat on the sofa, eating. I couldn't get the conversation that we from before out of my head. "Trixie, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"What happen with you and your siblings?"

"What do you mean?"

"Like you seem like you hate them."

"I don't hate them, I just wish they were here more. I've had to deal with so much on my own when it comes to mom. It bothers me, bothers me a lot actually." Trixie played with her food as she looked down. "I remember when mom first had to go to the hospital. I was so shaken up that I called Pearl and Farrah. Pearl didn't answer, she had a gig. I even left her a voicemail telling her what happen. She didn't call me until 5 days later."

"What about Farrah?"

"She answer wasted off her ass. I told her what I could while crying my eyes out. All she said was that she was having fun and she wish I could too, after that she said she had to go because some jock asked her to dance."

"Trixie, I'm sorry."

"It's life."

"That doesn't mean it's okay."

"I didn't say it was, I said that it was life. I can't do anything about the way they handle life. All I can do is be here for my mom and hold her hand when I can. It is hard but most days it could be harder. Doing it alone is just what I do." I grabbed Trixie's hand and lifted her head. 

"I'm here now Trixie, so you aren't alone anymore. I will never leave you again Trixie. I may not know what to say all the time but, I'll be here for you to cry on. Always and forever, okay?"

"That means a lot Katya, it really does." Trixie jumped on me, wrapping her arms around me. I could feel water on my shoulder as I held Trixie. I pulled back from Trixie and looked at her. 

"Are you okay?"

"Yes." Trixie wiped her face as she chuckled. 

"What's wrong?"

"It was hard."

"What was?"

"Being on my own, doing it all on my own."

"Well, you don't have to do all that anymore okay. I told you this before but I really mean it. And plus, I'd be stupid to let a beautiful girl like you be sad all the damn time."

"You are so lame."

"Yeah, but you're dating me."

"So?"

"So, that makes you lame too."

"Whatever." I smiled and put my hands on Trixie's hips, pulling her into a kiss. I loved Trixie so I'd be here even if I didn't know how to help.


End file.
